The Light Shines in the Darkness

It was in the pit of darkness that Light began to shine through… and the darkness could not overcome it.

I was completely alone… far from family, from loved ones, from my beautiful wife.  Depressed, miserable, fearful… and a preacher approached me and said, “God wanted me to tell you to read Revelation 3:14-21.  He said it is urgent; He has something to say to you through it.”

I had spent months in a spiritual tug-of-war that only those closest to me knew about.  Lord, I trust in you… but I really don’t trust in you, I’m still so very afraid… Lord, I love you… but I really can’t look at you, and I would prefer you would look away from me… Lord, I want to believe, want to hope, want to trust… but I can’t, I won’t, and I don’t. 

So often, I wrote poems expressing thoughts of deep despair and anxiety, and wished to be taken from this life… I had had enough of it… In my misery, I turned to alcohol, turned away from prayer… I cried to a God who I knew wanted to heal me, to hold me… but I would not let Him.  I did not want Him to get near me, though I knew He so desperately wanted to.  But I was hard-hearted; I refused… Lord, turn your face from me; I am not worthy to be in your presence.  Leave me alone!

My wife continued to silently pray for me… family and loved ones continued to believe in me… One cold night, while sipping coffee with a friend, he looked at me eye to eye and said, “Joseph, your test will become your testimony… your mess will become your message.  In the darkest moment, God will make himself known to you.”

I opened up the Bible and read the passage I was told God wanted me to read… as I quickly skimmed it, I thought, I’ve read this passage hundreds of times before.  I already know what it says.

..But then..

…I read it for the very first time.

And Jesus said to my heart, I know you… I know you better than you know yourself… I know your heart… I know your works.  You are neither hot nor cold… You are lukewarm– stale– stagnant… in a spiritual tug-of-war.  How I wish you would pick your side!  How I wish you would firmly make your choice!  Be either hot or cold, but choose which one you will be!  Either you will trust me as I take you by the hand, or you will not!  Which one will it be?

But Jesus, I cried, I want to have such faith!  I want to so badly!  But I don’t have that much faith!  Increase my faith, Lord, and I will follow you!

Jesus whispered, It only takes faith the size of a mustard seed…

Then I continued reading the passage, and He spoke again… Do you not know that you are going through this painful trial because I am using it to purify you and make you stronger than ever?  Do you hear me?  I stand at the door of your heart and knock!  Open the door to me, and I will come in!  Open the door!  OPEN THE DOOR!

God was pleading with me!  So often, in the past, I had spoken to so many people about the love and mercy of God… but never accepted it for myself.  Now, here He was, offering it to me… freely offering it to me!  And I began to cry, and boldly said, Lord, I hear you!  I am opening the door!  I am opening it for you!

The next morning, something felt different… I was still aware of my fears and anxieties, but it was as if a stronger Presence or Spirit had flooded into me… so much so that I felt it was overflowing in my soul.  It then became clear and real to me… God not only loves me, but truly has the power to change my heart… and this holds true for every single person!

Suddenly, without doubt or question, I knew with certainty that Jeremiah 29:11 was true– God declares, “I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans for hope and a future!”

It was in the darkness, at my lowest point, when God encountered me in a way I had never experienced before in my life… Love pursued me in the darkness!  And once the Light shone in, the darkness could not overcome it!  I am a new creation of His love…

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